A visiting Kapampangan kababayan was in New York City and it was a particularly windy day. He was standing by a bus stop when the wind blew and raised the skirt of a nice American lady standing near him.
He smiled at her (wanting to make conversation) and said, "It's hairy, isn't it?" (What he meant to say was that it was "airy" - mahangin or windy)
The American lady got mad and hit him with her umbrella and said, "Well, what did you expect - feathers?!"
A man reads a book in bed next to his wife and his finger went to tease his wife's pussy.
Wife asks "you want sex?"
"No, just to wet my finger to turn the page.
Teenage Girl!!!
Anak: Dad, i'm fifteen na... pwede na ba akong mag-bra?
Dad: Di pwede!
Anak: But dad, all my frends wear bra na.
Dad: Tumigil ka "BADONG" baka sipain kita!!!
There once was a lady who was tired of living
with men who were either physically abusive, who
ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed.
So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking
for a man who:
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her,
3) would be good in bed.
Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from
any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a
man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in
bed?"
And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How
do you think I rang the doorbell?"
There were two nuns..
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
hehehe!
smokers like me will soon have a keyboard and computer station like this. :)
If your in the middle of a party and you'd pee, whereelse will you go if this is the only available comfort room? :)
This is the perfect illustration of the world's global warming. :)
Do you understand what this picture tells you? In english it means:
"hey, peeing is no longer allowed here, the fence is highly electrified. :p your dick might burn out, and it might shrink!
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints.. ...More After The Bump!
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints.. ...More After The Bump!
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints.. ...More After The Bump!
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, i'm confident. Your friend is also my son,
that's confidential!
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly) : Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints.. ...More After The Bump!
A Lawyer in the Family
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ------- in the family than a lawyer."
~o0o~
The Young Assistant
In France, the young assistant priests do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the priest and his housekeeper. One day the priest invited his new young assistant priest to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young priest noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the priest and the housekeeper.After the meal was over, the middle-aged priest assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the priest and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter."
So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father priest, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."
~o0o~
CEO Party
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
~o0o~
...More After The Bump!
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